I’m not here…

30 Aug

…because I’m here.

I don’t know that The Callipygian Chronicle is dead, but she will be dormant for the foreseeable future. My vision and voice is now being poured into my business, where I’m posting images and content a few times a week. And being able to be me, truly me, in that space has unlocked a lot of trapped creative energy for me.

You can also find me on facebook or Google+ (which I don’t post to, yet).

And because I like images, here’s a recent one you may have missed.

The big suck

23 Jun

Some time after the holidays, the muse left. I don’t know what scared her away. Or why she has stayed hidden for so many months. I only know that I suddenly had a deep hatred of every photograph I took and an even stronger resistance to taking new ones. My work sucked. It wasn’t worth paying for. My camera sucked. My business model sucked. My follow through sucked. My budget problems sucked. My ability to make this work…sucked.

Talking about it sucks, but here I am, talking about it.

I don’t know why I encounter creative blocks like these (and always have). Nor why it is so hard for me to break free of them once they occur. I haven’t quite broken free of this current funk. The muse has not returned. But, it’s possible, she may have booked her return flight and is on her way home.

In flux: the state of now

6 May

So it occurs to me that my ability to update this blog with any new content is sorely lacking. Even my lame Velocity updates have been missing for two months, which may sadly be giving the impression that as with many things in life I, fell of the wagon long ago.

Not so:

Onederland

And there you have my first, very public, admission of my starting weight and clothing size. They are just numbers, and I am divorcing myself from being attached to them. I am much more than my body. So much more than my weight. Every day I make choices that move me toward a healthier, more athletic body. Just as in the past I made choices that moved me toward a rounder, tired, and unhealthy one.

I still have at least nine more months before I will be at goal, perhaps as long as a year. I am completely okay with that. This is merely a marker for what I’ve done so far. A year, in which I have learned a lot, but have been out of balance. My work is at a standstill and I have lost confidence in my creative eye. I know that will change in time. I can feel it starting to change, now. But, for these last few months my attention has been taken up with tracking what I eat, planning meals, planning exercise, recovering, and pushing forward.

It’s also been filled with me coming face-to-face with some of the beliefs I’ve held about my body and about food. The introspection and the change takes tremendous mental energy. And time. And, sadly, it hasn’t left me much space for anything else. I have stopped reading the blogs I have loved (I miss them, but I just don’t have space for other’s stories right now). I rarely visit Facebook. I pay only mild attention to the news and current events. The news of Osama Bin Laden’s death, barely a blip on my radar.

I feel like I have spent most of my thirties on a different road of introspection. I’m getting tired of it, now. I’m wanting all this much-needed change to be done. I am done with having so much unfinished business in my head. I am done with having so much to fix. Fixing it all is tiring. Change is exhausting.

Wow, didn’t expect to go there when I started writing this piece. On that note, I’m closing it out. More…in the unforeseen future.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.