2008 is ending. Se la vie.
Mentally, I’ve moved on. I’m job hunting. Looking at montessori programs. Hanging out on message boards to learn about the next city I want to move to.
2008 wasn’t a great year. I don’t even think I’d call it an okay year. It was a year I survived. I went in one end and came out the other. That’s the only accomplishment I have to show for it. I continue to exist.
I am generally blue this time of year. There is something about the build up to Christmas, the inevitable letdown of a non-rockin’ New Year’s Eve, and the impending arrival of my birthday that sends me deep into my shell, introspective to a fault. For years this sent me for a loop, but now I recognize the need for stillness and let it come over me.
I haven’t come to this place, this writing space, much this year. Definitely not as much as I’ve wanted to, needed to, or had planned. It is what it is. It’s easier for me to be blocked by imperfections, than to be open to my need to create, to do, to express myself.
I don’t have a remedy for it, but I am looking for some ways to fill my cup, to be fulfilled intellectually and creatively. Going back to work will help with this, but it won’t resolve everything. It will separate me from my daughter for most of each day. I will be much further removed from all of her subtle changes, that I perceive almost intuitively, now.
But the additional income is critical for us, now. We have cut almost everything we could these past two years. There are still things left to be cut, but I’m not willing to sacrifice every ounce of life’s luxury. And I don’t want to push my husband any closer to the edge than he has been.
The weight has been enormous on him. It’s time for me to do some lifting. My pain has reached the level of persistently uncomfortable, but rarely unbearable. My stagnant body has ballooned up to near my pregnancy weight (yes, at the end). My health has deteriorated overall. A generally unscheduled lifestyle has been good for my stress, but poor for maintaining my lifestyle. It’s time to get back to work.
So the year has ended. I’m pinning my hopes on 2009. I’m certain there will be more introspection over the next few weeks. I hope your sail into the new year is a gentle one.