Resolving Nothing: Part 1, Part 2
A few words came to me as I thought about this exercise. Just when I thought I had one all worked out and committed to, my therapist had me pick out a wisdom card and it read something pretty close to this (I didn’t write it down):
This year I want to focus on bringing joy into my life.
That will be my word for this year. Not because I am a mystic and do what the wisdom cards tell me to, but because the tone of the message really resonated with me. It was a statement about the entire year (remarkable choice, given that the card could have been picked on any day, not just a day sitting one week into the year). And it illuminated a choice that I had disgarded.
Joy was the first word I picked, but I immediately backed away from it. Joy is scary (especially if your general disposition is pessimistic). Committing to joy is even scarier. Joy is different than appearing happy, much more than feeling okay.
It’s hard to feel worthy of joy. To genuinely believe that one deserves to feel good. It’s hard not to avoid joy, to fear that relishing in joy is merely staying one step ahead before he next shoe falls. Being open to joy, means being open to feeling different about myself. Being open to joy means letting go of bad feelings that I’m more comfortable holding on to.
Seeking joy, feeling joy, living joyfully is probably much bigger and far more complicated than I understand today. I don’t know how it will show up for me throughout the year, nor do I know exactly what I will do to fold this word into my life. But throughout the year I will be revisiting this topic an letting you know its going.