Now What?

4 Dec

NaBloPoMo is over and a shadow of silence falls over this blog.

It was easier when I felt like I had to do this every day. Easier when I felt like there were expectations. It was easier for me to force whatever nonsense was in my head out and onto the keyboard because it was fulfilling a duty, meeting a requirement.

I have never pretended that I thought people actually like coming here. My brain is absolutely incapable of that thought. You come because you are my family. You come because you knew me when I wore braces and cords on my glasses and dreamt of New Kids in the Block each and every night. If you are here because you like what I write, then I think that you might be a figment of my imagination. And wishful thinking is so not my style.

And now we get to my demons, again. It seems that negativity and introspection is all I have these days. And I don’t want to bore anyone with that. I fel like I owe you something great, because you take the time to come here, but I feel so little greatness right now.

On Friday I felt light as air. I fired myself from my remaining freelance projects for this year, because was falling woefully behind and beginning to drown under teh weight of missed deadlines and looming responsibility. So, I did what I’m normally incapable of doing, and I admitted I couldn’t do it. I was relieved to see it all go away.

But that feeling didn’t last long. Relief has subsided, replaced by incompetence. Incompetence? Perhaps, unworthiness. Another tick mark in the belt of non-success. Like NaBloPoMo. Like breastfeeding. Like an unmedicated, natural birth.

I don’t want you to feel like you own any of this. My feelings of inferiority are mine. It’s nobody’s fault that I think 1000 people are out there doing this beter than I can. Doing what, precisely? I don’t know. Everything. They are better bloggers, they are better mothers, they are better designers, more organized, more creative…

Better. Better. Better.

But the fact that I believe that is no one’s fault. It’s my job to work it out. To move through it. To question that belief and move on.

I just don’t know if I can do this in front of you. What I have other than this—to write and to share with you—I just don’t know. But I don’t expect you to come bear witness to my introspective, navel-gazing. Right now, I don’t have anything else.

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4 Responses to “Now What?”

  1. Suz December 4, 2007 at 5:05 pm #

    I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this. I felt the same thing about NaBloPoMo. I need that sort of obligation devoid of expectation in order to be able to write. Without it, I’m on my own, looking for inspiration.

    I could write a book (well, not really), but pages and pages and pages about how harmful it’s been for me to compare myself to others. I try not to do it, but the urge creeps in there, silky, seductive, and dangerous, smoke under a closed door.

  2. lynnel December 4, 2007 at 8:34 pm #

    Some us remember when you had braces and also love the way you write.
    I come to this page on a daily basis not necessarily to find strokes of genius (though I almost always find them), but because it’s like I get to talk with you every time you post. I get to keep up with you and your life even if I miss you when I phone, or having a nice long chat isn’t in the cards for the day
    Ultimately you should do as your chum Julie said: write because you want to. Write for yourself. We’re just along for the ride.

  3. juliepippert December 5, 2007 at 5:03 pm #

    I don’t come here because I have to. I am open and will check out any blog. If after scanning the page I am not engaged, I think, fine blog fair enough but not for me. If I am engaged or interested, I might add it to the reader. if I find myself not clicking out of the reader to comment after a month or two or some span of time that I begin to notice? Picture finger across neck. Cut.

    I come here because I think you have something to say and I think you have the ability to say it. Yes, write for yourself.

    And trust me…as far as the introspection and comparisons and lack of obligation but expectation? it’s like a thing almost every blogger I know goes through. You are not alone.

    I’m not immune to it.

    Find your voice. Write for yourself.

    That’s all. :)

    Julie
    Using My Words

  4. juliepippert December 5, 2007 at 5:05 pm #

    Uhh that wasn’t a threat. SORRY! It was meant to be a reassurance LOL. As in, “See, I am discriminating and find myself always clicking out of the reader to your blog.” Compliment.

    Sorry, I am just dog tired. Whiny belligerent kids and recovering from one cold and fighting off another while preparing for what I have begin calling the Clust*rf&ck party.

    Julie
    Using My Words

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