Small Victory

26 Nov

We’ve been here before. That point when I must choose between imperfection and catastrophic failure. It seems like an easy choice, and for me it normally is. Only the choice I make might not be the one you’d first guess.

I’ve never been one of those people who could try my hardest and be happy with a C. Or a B for that matter. I’m an A or F kind girl and anything in between doesn’t even register. If I’m not going to excel with flying colors, then I want to fail miserably. I want to earn my F by skipping every class and not turning in a single assignment. I want to bubble in C all the way down my scan tron without even bothering to read a single test question. If I can’t succeed at success, at least I can succeed at failure.

And so it has been for much of my life.

Excel or fail. Yin. Yang.

Yesterday’s post was missed. I was gentle with myself the first time. Disappointed, but I tried to keep going in spite of the misstep. But tonight, I wanted to phone it in. Just four days left of this, and I wanted to let it all go down in flames.

It’s over. I’ve failed. I want to wear the crown of failure. I don’t want to wear the “Oh, you were so close” sash.

I know. It’s catastrophic thinking. It’s not healthy. It’s productive. It’s because I was told I was smart as a child and not complimented on my effort. Yeah. I know. Whatever.

So why am I writing this when every fiber of my being just wants to throw in the towel, run from this failed daily-blogging business, better yet, run from this soul-exposing blog business altogether? Why not just quit already, pull everything off the internet, retreat, fail miserably, fail big?

I don’t know.

I only know that I’m ending Day 26 with a post. My victories are small right now. I’ll take them as they come.


4 Responses to “Small Victory”

  1. Garrett November 27, 2007 at 7:44 am #

    You are writing it because you are trying to better yourself. You are also trying to prevent our little girl from picking up a trait that you don’t want to pass on to her.

    It’s not easy to change a way of thinking that has been a part of you for as long as you can remember. I find myself thinking of many things I haven’t thought of in a very long time these days.

  2. lynnel November 27, 2007 at 3:11 pm #

    Actually, you didn’t miss Sunday’s post, it’s just on your other blog. I think it should count.
    Of course, that’s not really the point…
    I don’t want to be the person who says “don’t be too hard on yourself” because I, too, tend to see my world (and my successes/failures) as black and white. I’ve taken C’s, but a piece of me always views them as the same as F’s. But here’s the thing…where are your A’s? Because if you’re failing somewhere, you’re succeeding elsewhere. So you “missed a post” but…you made a fabulously elegant Thanksgiving dinner for a dozen people; you have an amazing husband and daughter (and your are and AMAZING wife and mother), you are not curled in a ball after your surgery. I took my C- in Biochem, but took an A+ in Music Lit. So, I failed in one class (in truth, I think I failed in picking the correct major, period), but succeeded in another. You “failed” to post, but you’re making daily successes in areas that are, ultimately, going to have a much larger, lasting effect.

  3. juliepippert November 27, 2007 at 3:32 pm #

    Because you may as well, right? may as well finish? Since you started?

    I don’t know…write because you want to, have something to say or share. Don’t worry about competitions and so forth.

    Using My Words

  4. lynnel November 28, 2007 at 4:57 pm #

    Exactly! Much more succinctly put, and precisely what I was trying to say.

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