We’ve been here before. That point when I must choose between imperfection and catastrophic failure. It seems like an easy choice, and for me it normally is. Only the choice I make might not be the one you’d first guess.
I’ve never been one of those people who could try my hardest and be happy with a C. Or a B for that matter. I’m an A or F kind girl and anything in between doesn’t even register. If I’m not going to excel with flying colors, then I want to fail miserably. I want to earn my F by skipping every class and not turning in a single assignment. I want to bubble in C all the way down my scan tron without even bothering to read a single test question. If I can’t succeed at success, at least I can succeed at failure.
And so it has been for much of my life.
Excel or fail. Yin. Yang.
Yesterday’s post was missed. I was gentle with myself the first time. Disappointed, but I tried to keep going in spite of the misstep. But tonight, I wanted to phone it in. Just four days left of this, and I wanted to let it all go down in flames.
It’s over. I’ve failed. I want to wear the crown of failure. I don’t want to wear the “Oh, you were so close” sash.
I know. It’s catastrophic thinking. It’s not healthy. It’s productive. It’s because I was told I was smart as a child and not complimented on my effort. Yeah. I know. Whatever.
So why am I writing this when every fiber of my being just wants to throw in the towel, run from this failed daily-blogging business, better yet, run from this soul-exposing blog business altogether? Why not just quit already, pull everything off the internet, retreat, fail miserably, fail big?
I don’t know.
I only know that I’m ending Day 26 with a post. My victories are small right now. I’ll take them as they come.
You are writing it because you are trying to better yourself. You are also trying to prevent our little girl from picking up a trait that you don’t want to pass on to her.
It’s not easy to change a way of thinking that has been a part of you for as long as you can remember. I find myself thinking of many things I haven’t thought of in a very long time these days.
Actually, you didn’t miss Sunday’s post, it’s just on your other blog. I think it should count.
Of course, that’s not really the point…
I don’t want to be the person who says “don’t be too hard on yourself” because I, too, tend to see my world (and my successes/failures) as black and white. I’ve taken C’s, but a piece of me always views them as the same as F’s. But here’s the thing…where are your A’s? Because if you’re failing somewhere, you’re succeeding elsewhere. So you “missed a post” but…you made a fabulously elegant Thanksgiving dinner for a dozen people; you have an amazing husband and daughter (and your are and AMAZING wife and mother), you are not curled in a ball after your surgery. I took my C- in Biochem, but took an A+ in Music Lit. So, I failed in one class (in truth, I think I failed in picking the correct major, period), but succeeded in another. You “failed” to post, but you’re making daily successes in areas that are, ultimately, going to have a much larger, lasting effect.
Because you may as well, right? may as well finish? Since you started?
I don’t know…write because you want to, have something to say or share. Don’t worry about competitions and so forth.
Julie
Using My Words
Exactly! Much more succinctly put, and precisely what I was trying to say.