We’ve been here before. That point when I must choose between imperfection and catastrophic failure. It seems like an easy choice, and for me it normally is. Only the choice I make might not be the one you’d first guess.
I’ve never been one of those people who could try my hardest and be happy with a C. Or a B for that matter. I’m an A or F kind girl and anything in between doesn’t even register. If I’m not going to excel with flying colors, then I want to fail miserably. I want to earn my F by skipping every class and not turning in a single assignment. I want to bubble in C all the way down my scan tron without even bothering to read a single test question. If I can’t succeed at success, at least I can succeed at failure.
And so it has been for much of my life.
Excel or fail. Yin. Yang.
Yesterday’s post was missed. I was gentle with myself the first time. Disappointed, but I tried to keep going in spite of the misstep. But tonight, I wanted to phone it in. Just four days left of this, and I wanted to let it all go down in flames.
It’s over. I’ve failed. I want to wear the crown of failure. I don’t want to wear the “Oh, you were so close” sash.
I know. It’s catastrophic thinking. It’s not healthy. It’s productive. It’s because I was told I was smart as a child and not complimented on my effort. Yeah. I know. Whatever.
So why am I writing this when every fiber of my being just wants to throw in the towel, run from this failed daily-blogging business, better yet, run from this soul-exposing blog business altogether? Why not just quit already, pull everything off the internet, retreat, fail miserably, fail big?
I don’t know.
I only know that I’m ending Day 26 with a post. My victories are small right now. I’ll take them as they come.