Sadness: Day 108

25 Oct

I’ve wanted to come to the page a lot these past few days. But I am too much of chicken shit to write for you when it really counts.

I wanted to write about the metaphor of fire. To tell you about the short story I sarted (but never finished) four years ago, the last time our city was enshrined in smoke and flame. I wanted to tell you about the cyclical nature of time. I wanted to tell you how I was amazed last time, but this time I looked at the fragile body of my three-month-old, and I was downright terrified. I wanted to tell you about how the coughing fits I’ve had at night have reminded me of that wretched breathing machine and that lately, it’s getting harder and harder to stop thinking about my surgery and what it all means.

I am just so damn sad right now. Sad, when I have so much to be grateful for, when my losses could be insurmountable, but really aren’t.

I hate that I can’t separate the beauty of may daughter’s birth from my scars, my aches, my bewildering fatigue. I am terrified that the only mother she may know is one who is tired and flabby, and prone sadness and grief.

She is amazing. She deserves so much more…

but this isn’t what I wanted to write for you. I wanted to write something good, something interesting, something reflective. I should be working on my freelance projects, before I’ve blown all my deadlines and ruined my chances of ever getting decent work again. But the sadness persists, keeps me immobile. Paralyzes me, renders every word I write into useless crap.

And now this post is scaring me.  Embarrassing me? And I want it to end. I’m ending this here. I’m not dragging this on.  I’m going to resist the urge to delete this. But I really want to. I hate that you’ll know how  somber I am.


3 Responses to “Sadness: Day 108”

  1. A Deep Thinker October 25, 2007 at 11:02 pm #

    our spirits sing with the honesty of youth
    do you not believe as I?
    though our bodies may fail us
    we may live, even as we die.


    i love the pureness in your honesty. it will carry you through. im sure of it.

  2. Lynne October 26, 2007 at 7:36 am #

    There’s so much I want to say to this but words are fleeing before me. I can only imagine the emotional and physical truama you have endured, and that if I try to put myself in your place I have a difficult time believing that I would cope half as well as you.
    I have watched you with Lyra; I have witnessed the adoration the two of you have for each other – the amazing love-bond that flows between her and Garrett and you. It touches all who are present with an incandescent beauty. She deserves someone who loves and cherishes her, and she has two parents who do exactly that.

  3. Garrett October 26, 2007 at 10:01 am #

    I know that you are sad and overwhelmed. It is completely understandable and to be expected after such a traumatic time. You have been through so much in the last year and especially the last few months. Yet you still have so much to deal with right now. Starting to work again, raising a new child, dealing with the pain and physical recovery of childbirth and major surgery. Also the emotional recovery from all of this which, I can’t even begin to grasp how that’s done.

    Watching you go through the surgery and everything was hard. It was like sitting on the edge of my worst possible nightmare, just waiting for it to come true. But, it didn’t and for that I am so eternally grateful. It feels…. selfish? if I were to be sad right now. My worse nightmare didn’t come true and I have my beautiful brilliant wife by my side and a happy vibrant baby girl. I feel all these new great joys and laughs and smiles that I never imagined possible from a child. I’m so unbelievably happy that you are the mother of my child. I can’t imagine doing this with anyone other than you. You will inspire me to be the father I so want to be and push me away from the father I’d rather not become. I can’t thank you enough for what you have gone through for me…. for us… Your strength and courage amazes me frequently.

    I’m a man who tries to fix things and I feel powerless to guide you in any helpful way through this difficult time. I want so very much to help you, to make it all better. But, I can’t and it frustrates the hell out of me.

    So I can only tell you what I know for sure. Physical Pain is temporary and though it may take many months before you recover completely. I have no doubt you will get better. It only takes rest and time. Try not to worry too much about it, time will cure your pain.

    Unfortunately, time has no meaning for emotional trauma, it can last days or a lifetime. I don’t know how one heals from something like this. I just know that I will continue to try and help in whatever way I can. I think that just means I will continue to talk to you about it as often as we need so you can work your way through it. I definitely know that pretending its not there and burying it will only plant a seed in your mind that will someday grow to overtake you. So we won’t take the path which many others take. I’ve seen where it leads and I don’t want to go there.

    I love you more than I ever could ever express with words. I have always been and will continue to be, your soft place to fall.

    Loving you always even when life seems impossibly hard
    Your Husband

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