Today, Garrett and I are celebrating an unusual anniversary, the conception of Lyra. I suppose we’re not the only ones to commemorate such a day, and if you have more than one child, such commemorating might be a bit silly. But, we have and will only have one child. Even if we decide to use surrogate or adopt another child some day, in our lifetimes, there will only be one lovemaking session that resulted in our giving birth to a child. Therefore, I believe it deserves special acknowledgment. Even if that means simply remembering.
Shortly after I learned I was pregnant, I wrote a blog entry that I never published. In fact, no one else has read it before. Not even Garrett. I decided today to did through my archived files and post ity for you, here. It wasn’t written a year ago, today, but it does describe what happened. It’s a letter to the child that was growing inside of me. I had very little vision of who he or she was, but I wanted her to know that she was loved. I also wanted him to know that though he was unexpected, he was not unwelcome.
There is much about Lyra’s creation that seems fated. From her conception, to the harbinger of First Trimester bleeding, to the yin and yang of her arrival. There is not one day that I have had with her that I have not been grateful. We came so close to not sharing more than a few minutes together. But I was meant to be her mother. And she was meant to be a part of our lives. Right now, in this time, and it could not have been any other way. So with that, I honor her creation, by telling you her creation story.
The post contains a modest, but frank description of a love-making event. If that makes you blush, or you’d rather not know me in that way, I suggest you skip the rest.
Dear Little Being: Vol 1
I have officially known about you for a week. But I admit that I was aware of your creation the moment it happened. Yes, you are as magical as your father. With the ability to tap into my ESP like nothing I can articulate. The moment his blue eye connected with mine across that revolting, Albertsons deli counter, I felt his soul. I saw a place waiting for me in his heart. And my soul leapt out of my body and ran to fill him up. I know. It sounds cosmic and bizarre and perhaps like your mommy did way too many drugs in her teenage years. Though I assure you, mommy never smoked her first bowl until she was almost out of her twenties.
I avoid telling this story to those who won’t understand, but I honestly felt like I knew everything about your father the moment I laid eyes on him. I knew him in a spiritual sense, like we were once the same single-celled organism and millions of years ago we split apart and have been searching for each other through countless incarnations ever since.
But in a candlelit darkness on October 19th, we reached a point of intimacy I had never imagined. In the midst of it, I was overcome with a strong and powerful emotion. I began to weep. Our arms tightly wrapped around each other, I was overwhelmed by a single thought. I wanted him to be the father of my children. He and no other. And I desperately wanted to say those words out loud. I did not, because I am a coward. Instead, I pulled him close to me and whispered in his ear, “It’s okay. Don’t be afraid.” And I wept more at the beauty of this moment and the love I could feel, enveloping me from head to toe.
A few days later I spent two days in bed with the stomach flu, but I knew almost immediately that I was not sick. Something had changed. I wasn’t alone. Yes, this was days and not weeks. Rapidly the hormones have kicked in. My body, anxious to be a good host for you. You have asked me and only me to do the important work of bringing your body into this world. I am doing all that I can to be a good steward to you. I can’t tell you how proud I am that you have picked me. And I can’t wait until that moment you see your father’s eyes and that space in his heart he has been saving for you. I know that you will leap into it, like I did. Because being in that man’s heart is the most comfortable place in this world.