Nothingness on a Friday

5 Oct

A complete stranger commented on my blog this week.

I feel naked and exposed.

I’m in a strange sort of paralysis. I have an impenetrable deadline looming for my freelance work. It is critical that I deliver good work on time, but it’s the last thing I feel like doing right now. I have two other blog projects that have been spinning in my head lately that I am anxious to start. One is related to Second Life fashion (I know, I just can’t let it go) and the other is e-learning related. It’s the Second Life one in particular that is calling my attention, but I just can’t seem to carve out enough time and energy to get things started.Energy.

Such a non-energetic word. For almost a year now (the anniversary of my impregnation is rapidly approaching), I have been tired. There was my fatigue-laden first trimester, followed by breast-aching second trimester, which rapidly fell into my exhausted-by-this-pelvic-pain third trimester. Then I gave birth, had a traumatic surgery, and came home to the cries of a sleep-resistant newborn. Three months later, my baby sleeps, but my body still aches. my mind circles back to the horrors of my hospital stay at the slightest trigger. I sleep plenty, but my energy hovers around nothing. my brain overflows with ideas and obligations that I feel completely incompetent to complete.

Someone googled yolanda lockhart howe to find this site. So strange to think that others might wonder about me as often as I wonder about them…

I hate reading moody, self-indulgent posts like these on other people’s blogs. One of my favorite bloggers posted these languid entries very similar to this for months, because she was having trouble selling her house. She eventually sold it, but the months of melancholy posts were so painful to read. Another one of my favorite bloggers wrote through the death of her father. Her posts were amazing and raw, but not self-absorbed, navel gazing. That’s what I feel like I’m doing. Navel gazing. Forcing you to sift through every word as I stare at me innie-turned-outie-now-kinda-innie-again.

If I were a better writer, I could make this interesting for you. I could give you something to think about besides how immobilized I am. Some time between now and Wednesday I will manage to complete my project. I always finish. I just don’t know how I’m going to finish right now. Some time in the future I will launch my other blogs. Or forget about them, and move on to something else.

Move on. It’s so much simpler to write than to do.

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One Response to “Nothingness on a Friday”

  1. Lynne October 8, 2007 at 9:41 am #

    I got bit by that bug too…maybe it’s the weather change. I had a ton of work to get done this weekend: my class starts next weekend, practicing for “Joseph…”, never mind the fact that since I’m doing a show, I’m practicing instead of housework and needed to get caught up on that. But nope! I communed with the cats, watched a movie (twice! for no other reason than wanting an excuse to veg on the couch) and worked on Christmas presents, and the only times I picked up my instruments were in the pit. So, now I have to get all my class prep work done this week, on top of work, on top of practicing, and that housework…well guess it’s going to continue getting put off…

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