Archive | October, 2007

A Year, A Lifetime

31 Oct

When I awoke on Halloween morning last year I was anxious. My period was officially one day late and that meant it was officially acceptable for me to throw on some clothes, rush to Albertsons, and ask the pharmacist for the key to locked cabinet which held expensive and frequently-shoplifted items like blood pressure monitors, diabetes supplies, and pregnancy tests.

The trip to the store was somewhat unusual. For years I had kept a regular supply of pregnancy tests under my bathroom sink. I’m not in a place where I can explore the full story with you. Every relationship has its dangerous third rail, that place where you are both so terrified to go, you whisper about it, or speak of it as That Thing That Shall Not Be Named. Expanding our family beyond the tight bond of two people was one such topic for us. And for years we had been meticulously tracking all activity surrounding my fertility in an effort to avoid pregnancy. Only couples who are trying to conceive are more aware of their ovulation window than we have been for years.

But we weren’t trying to conceive.

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Quick Update: Feed added

29 Oct

I added a link to my RSS feed on the sidebar. Somehow, I didn’t notice previously that I didn’t have a feed link. Or, it may have disappeared when I switched themes. In any case, that has now been corrected. If you’re so interested in my life that you’d like to follow the blogs and news stories I’m reading, YouTube videos I find irresistable, and other minutiae, you may want to subscribe to my tumblr feed at Callypigian Briefs.

Dear person who searched for Howe to get a three month old baby to sleep and wound up at this blog,

29 Oct

How disappointed you must feel. Here you are all sleep-deprived, desperate after all of these months to sleep, just once. To get back a few hours of your life. To know what it is like to awaken on your own terms, to lie down when you are fatigued, which by now is all the time.

Tired. every minute of every day.

You searched for answers. And, by virtue of my having a three-month-old and a small misspelling (No, no. Please, don’t be embarrassed. Most telemarketers call me Mrs. Hoe, and you can just imagine my discomfort with that title), you wound up here. In this place, where the melancholy is thick, but the answers are few.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you. My daughter fought sleep fiercely during her newborn phase. She knew nothing of this supposed eighteen hours per day that she was supposed to sleep. She would wake up for a late night feeding and refuse to go back to sleep. Some days she only slept 6 hours in a day, no matter how much we rocked, massaged, sang to, or fed her. She cried and screamed with fatigue (much like you are doing, I’m sure; having no other option, feeling so damn sleepy); but by eight weeks she was sleeping six to eight hours a night, through no work on our part.

I bought this book while I was pregnant. I highlighted all the recommendations. I bookmarked this blog entry and read it multiple times to get prepared. I was moved, but somewhat nervous, after I read this one (and the comments). I need lots of sleep. I am a mess if I don’t get it. So I prepped. I prepared. I did everything I could to ensure that my soon-to-arrive-child would sleep.

Then my little one arrived and no one else’s experience matched mine. I had a sleep resistant newborn who suddenly discovered a full night’s rest right about the time she figured out she had hands.

I’m sorry. Hearing about my (pretty) good sleeper must be no consolation to you. I really wish I could be of more help. but the truth is, I have no answers. I got lucky. I thank you for coming here to look for answers, even though you found none. Even if it was only by accident. I don’t get many visitors, so I hope you will stay. Even if it’s only to roll your eyes at me and call me a bitch because my kids sleeps and yours doesn’t and you’re too damn tired to continue being nice.

Just know, I have been up many nights, just like you have. I have held my baby in my arms and sobbed because I was so tired, so overwhelmed, so completely unequipped for this job. I know what this lack of sleep is doing to you, and completely beat you must feel after three months.

I don’t have any advice for you. I just want you to know I understand.