I am four days late with this post. Tardiness is sometimes a way of life with me, and you will come to expect and resent that about me as you get older. There are many reasons it takes me a while to do things. It’s not so much procrastination as a fear of imperfection. Of all my bad qualities, this is the one I am most fearful of passing on to you. Because a fear of imperfection is far more crippling than being unable to read a map or having a hatred of mirrors.
So, two months in and I have succeeded in meeting my own low expectations for promptness and follow through. It won’t be the last time I disappoint you, despite my best efforts. The beauty of our emerging love is that it comes with a heaping spoon of forgiveness. You forgive me every time I pick you up awkwardly or fail to interpret your cries. I forgive you for being impatient, moody, and grabbing at my chest as those these breasts are yours alone.
Here are five things I want to hold on to from this month:
1. The first time you realized that lying in a bath of warm water was not torture, but was relaxing and even, perhaps, fun.
2. Though you are bottle-fed most of the day, this month you began to aggressively show me when you want to worse. Perhaps you could be more polite about it, but your telling me you want something that only I can give you, heals my heart in ways I cannot express.
3. Seeing your first smile spread across your face, and all of the ones after that. They always stop me dead in my tracks, so sweet and beautiful your smile is. I almost always tell you thank you when you do it, because knowing that your life with me is not complete torture, is such a healing gift for me
4. Hearing your voice emerge and listening to it get stronger and more defined as the month has gone on. There is no baby that coos, giggle, and babbles in as cute a way as you do. Nothing makes me laugh harder, even on hardest days together.
5. Watching you fall in love with Daddy.
(I know exactly what you mean.)