In flux: the state of now

6 May

So it occurs to me that my ability to update this blog with any new content is sorely lacking. Even my lame Velocity updates have been missing for two months, which may sadly be giving the impression that as with many things in life I, fell of the wagon long ago.

Not so:

Onederland

And there you have my first, very public, admission of my starting weight and clothing size. They are just numbers, and I am divorcing myself from being attached to them. I am much more than my body. So much more than my weight. Every day I make choices that move me toward a healthier, more athletic body. Just as in the past I made choices that moved me toward a rounder, tired, and unhealthy one.

I still have at least nine more months before I will be at goal, perhaps as long as a year. I am completely okay with that. This is merely a marker for what I’ve done so far. A year, in which I have learned a lot, but have been out of balance. My work is at a standstill and I have lost confidence in my creative eye. I know that will change in time. I can feel it starting to change, now. But, for these last few months my attention has been taken up with tracking what I eat, planning meals, planning exercise, recovering, and pushing forward.

It’s also been filled with me coming face-to-face with some of the beliefs I’ve held about my body and about food. The introspection and the change takes tremendous mental energy. And time. And, sadly, it hasn’t left me much space for anything else. I have stopped reading the blogs I have loved (I miss them, but I just don’t have space for other’s stories right now). I rarely visit Facebook. I pay only mild attention to the news and current events. The news of Osama Bin Laden’s death, barely a blip on my radar.

I feel like I have spent most of my thirties on a different road of introspection. I’m getting tired of it, now. I’m wanting all this much-needed change to be done. I am done with having so much unfinished business in my head. I am done with having so much to fix. Fixing it all is tiring. Change is exhausting.

Wow, didn’t expect to go there when I started writing this piece. On that note, I’m closing it out. More…in the unforeseen future.

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3 Responses to “In flux: the state of now”

  1. christina May 9, 2011 at 11:21 am #

    You look amazing and I’m in awe of the work that it must have required to go from the photo on the left to the photo on the right. … I also love your writing: honest, bold, straight shooting, and tender all at once.

  2. Cece June 9, 2011 at 12:08 am #

    Check you out! You look really wonderful. Hope all has been well!

  3. Erika Hughes June 23, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    Wow, Yolanda! I am so inspired by your openness- and your progress! I too have been on a weight loss and general life change journey, but I wish I could be as open as you. It is harder to publicly show the before than the after, to be sure, but it is important to acknowledge where we came from in order to make our changes stick. That is the part I am still working on. Keep up the good work, and the pics of your fam in the next post are beautiful too, BTW!

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